My pitas page

Once again More good news
Christmas is just a few days away now, I'm very excited, not because of christmas but because of our lack there of. Doing the whole vacation thing again this year. My fathers in a bit of an assholly mood as usual it wouldn't be Christmas in this house if he wasn't being a bastard. Meeting Cristelle at the airport and once that plane touches the ground you will be hard pressed to find me without a drink in my hand and the sun on my face. I am so tired, it's been tough getting use to being in a new town, reaquanting myself with old friends and remembering all over again why they are the people I choose to be a part of my life.

Jess and I went shopping Wednesday and had a hell of a day in Buffalo, we got lost, looked like ass and didn't have to pay duties coming over the border! As Jono would say I found a loop hole and broke the rules. It's good to be me.

If not everyone has heard yet I GOT INTO LAURIER!!!!!! That's right props to me, the front door may have been closed last September but its winter now and I've made it thru!

I talked to my Aunt the other day and it was the greatest. We laugh and told inside jokes while I got weird looks from my parents. She really saved my life she did. I needed to know my past before I could embrace the future. Thank god for my roomate too she's been a huge part of my life this year. We've laughed, we've cried, hell, we've even gone on late night power walks together to blow off steam. Without her I don't know what I would have done.

I also managed to snag the hottest boot when I was in Buffalo, I saw these hot pink ones aswell but they only had 3 pairs left and all the wrong size :( A strange year really but meh, I know I'm going to be alright for now. So now I have to register for all my classes and man what a pain! But, when I'm finshed I'll have a three day week and classes that at the earliest start at 11:30 so I'll actually make it this semester.

Merry Christmass and Happy New Year and Happy Taboozaling!!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2004
01:29 a.m.

Fucking School
How you ever chewed a voicemail a new asshole, well guess what today I did. Well several inboxes actually. If I wasn't on a company phone I probably would have smashed the phone into a million pieces and then curb stomped it.

As many of you know I'm trying to switch into Wilfrid Laurier University for next semester and currently the only thing that stands between me and that goal is a shitty little thing named Mohawk College and their incompetent people. i need a detailed course description for one course, thats it, all I need. So why am I on the back burner why are things held up, I'll tell you it's not from my lack of phone calls and trying to get ahold of people it's because people are too fucking stupid to get off their asses phone me back and email this too me. How difficult is it to fufil one little itsy bitsey request. Must be like tearing down or building the wall of china!!

being as patient as possable for now! Stacey


Wednesday, December 15, 2004
04:41 p.m.

when your least expecting it
So as I was saying in my last entry about looking for mr right, well I found him. I never believed in love at first sight but, I tell you I've fallen victim to it. I met him at a bar, of all places, we talked about life, human rights, everything and anything. I think this could be it. He's portugese. Born in Canada but his father moved here at 14 and brought his mother over when she was 20. I have a really good feeling about this. When I stopped looking and was just enjoying the company of the men in my life he was there. So here I am and scarilly I'm in love. For once I have no apprihension, no questions, and no feeling of just doing it because of the need for male companionship. I use to say I didn't understand the point of dating because your friends can provide everything you need but the sex and that can be provided by ex's and FTF's but, all that changed in one look. He sang to me in portugese that's right he sang, it was quiet and soft and just for me. My questions on whether that one man has been created has been solved the question is where is this going and whether I'm ready because, if I'm not 100% on this I'd never let myself forgive myself because the one has made himself present and it's leap, wait or regret
Monday, December 13, 2004
12:58 p.m.

Fuckin' Loves it
Done exams and boy did that term fly. By far the best 4 months of my life. well except for Octobers unpleasantness. I got pretty wrecked last night in my hazey head I began reflecting. About where it was that I was headed where I had been and where I currently stand. If it was possable to think yourself to death I could have done it.

I talked to my roomate last night about boyfriends and boy friends. About how my boys have taken care of me. A lot of spliffs have passed through my lips over the years. Eachone symbolizzing a good time or a bad time. I spent my morning curled up with him stoned out of my tree, he ran his hands through my hair and yet said nothing. A gentalman, a love and a friend. Come the late morning he was up and gone.

I thought of a few ex's from a very long time ago and a not so long ago last night. The combination of four of them would be the man I take into my future with me. Don't get me wrong Dave the gentalman is a wonderful friend but not anything more or ever will be. I know what I want now exaxtly but my dilemma is whether he was ever created. Steph made me realize that I kinda demand my own idea of perfect. many of you know that if a guy comes over and he's not showered and shaven it ain't going to work. < BR>
If love is only a feeling I'm drifting away
Saturday, December 11, 2004
12:51 p.m.

Indecisions
Well school is going really well I'm making the dean's list which let me tell you is easier then I imagined. I got 92% on my Psychology midterm which has effectively changed my mind into the mode of wanting to be a psychologist over a social worker now, however my dream still remains the same to one day open my clinic for mood disorder patients.

I'm in the midst of switching school at the moment which is so bloody frustrating, I don't know whether to register for classes or cross my fingers and hope for the best. I miss everyone so much. Even those I'm still pissed at. And No MB you're not one of them. However my ass will not be around for that mnuch of christmas break doing the Mayan Rivera this year with Cristella and our families, nothing say christmas like two drunken friends attempting to do an obsticle course. I can tell this will be dangerous but one life to live, one life to give!

Made a bit of a business investment lent someone $3000 and hoping I don't get screwed also been offered the chance to buy half a bar for $25,000 which I've been thinking hard about. If I buy in and pay off that money quickly if I remain a silent partner which, we all know would be impossable, I could just sit back and watch my pockets get lined with money. It's an opportunity I'll ponder awhile longer. But as they say more is lost by indecision than by wrong decision, however I have better credit than most people I know so I stand to improve my credit yet loss my good credit at the same time.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
04:28 p.m.

Strange Looking Back
Today I wrote another midterm with the ease of well.... hum we'll just say ease. I'm sick of the past I left behind me. Certain people are moving forward with me and I hope they will always have a place at my side. We all face problems, (thank God for prescription medication). I realized today I have successfully shed the past and the family reputation that had followed my around my entire life. I still face many of the same issues, they're internal wounds but these are wounds that the people I see on a daily basis have no idea I have.

The hardest part of leaving the past behind is that I havn't lived in the present for so long I've forgotten how to find my centre. It's always been the about the future and trying to outrun my past. The One part of me I havn't been able to outrun is that I still have this illness inside me. I'll never be cured, I never find asylum. But, this isn't a pity party.

I learned a lot this summer on my trip to Newfoundland, well not really the going to but the actual being there. I found out things about my family that I needed to know in order to move on into the next phase of my life. Family Secrets and Family history. I learned while I was out there that there was in deed a way to describe how I had been feeling. I had felt like I was living on borrowed time. Hey, you know I still do but, this time may be borrowed but it's mine to use
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
02:10 p.m.

What you doing calling me
Some people make me wonder. A LOT! Like why would you call at 11 at night I could be sleeping or studying or LOL drinking. From one minute going from excitment thinking it was Usla to a complete flop finding it was a bitch that didn't have any business talking about true friends in the first place.

I am so sick of people and their petty shit. I have a life here, so quit trying to drag back into the life I left behind.
Monday, November 1, 2004
11:24 p.m.

Paradice
So the creepy guy never came back and Stephers and I interviewed a couple more ppl but they were sketchy

It could the fact we're content but I don't know.

So Laurier is being a fucker. Now they tell me they want me to have grade 11 math, qall i can say is ha! I have grade 9. First they said they wanted like calculus, and i said ha!
Friday, October 22, 2004
05:00 p.m.

potential roomie hell
SO steph and I interviewed this guy. seemed down on his luck, got him to sign the lease. well now here we are freaked out because the guy is creepy. so he didn't take the keys so we ain't letting him in the house and we're sleeping with large blunt objects.

Yep, thats right we're special

lovin' it in the B Dot
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
12:47 a.m.

A long way from home
I have begun my voyage into my past. I am overwelmed by face an place I'd been. Starting all the way back to The sound and fury, listening to bucket seat by Cake bring back many good times, to a friend who live nearly a world away. I dyed my hair which brought back a lot for me. Back to the days when I was just a crazy kid. No real tragities to really speak of. Just good clean old fun.

I thought back to the days of throwing a football around on the school roof and how my biggest fear was the consequences of being late for curfew. We lived well back then, ignorance was bliss

Those days seem so long ago now, My partner in crime has a baby, nearly a toodler and a fiance. When did his happen. I look at her with admiration, the girl I once called my soulmate is now in her life, in a world so far away.


Friday, October 15, 2004
01:10 a.m.

I will sail my vessel
The Lyrics currently running through my head have been Garth Brooks The River
You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

My words are not those brought out of spite. But, words that come from me moving on into a new chapter of life. Al, acted on her own, I had nothing to do with it or to encourage it. I'm happy and for now that is what is MOST important to me.

I spent my weekend with old friends living up the good old days. Listening to the good old tunes, in my good old car. They have been a constant in my life. The loves of my life. To some the word love is just a meaningless word but to those who time has the lesson Love is state of being.

I will not stand by anymore while people say shit to me about growing up, about how I'm embarrassing them or for that matter how my veiws are not worthy of being counted. Don't tell me of the sacrifice I'm making by putting behind the past because I have counted and weighed it and I would rather give it up then spend my future giving myself up.

As much as I would like to say I'm angry, the ugly truth is I feel hurt, and betrayed
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
01:18 p.m.

So Many Things I'm Thankful For
I began to ponder today, the day before the day we are to be Thankful for, about the things in my life that I am thankful for. I am thankful for my kindergardern pal that all though she's always late, she's always been there. I am thankful for my Woodstock Wonderwomen for all they've taught me about survival and strength. I am thankful for my Jono Bunny, because he has taught me more lessons then I ever thought possable, like to error is human but, to forgive is devine. I am thankful for my past because without it I wouldn't have made it to today. I am thankful for my parents because there has always been love in their hearts. I am thankful for my roomate for showing me that it was okay to live again.

To live again, I never thought I would be in such a good place again in my life. I thought I had missed the return bus. I've complained about growing up for the last few years. I wanted to return and now I have. I don't feel as tired anymore, I don't feel as worthless and I definetly don't feel as 'Anti-Social Debutantish'. I realize things happen for a reason now.

I lost someone very close to my heart three years ago. Within those five days I thought I watched my soul flicker out and die. Like I was a lone vessel on a seemingly meaningless journey. I lost another couple of people close to me arround the same time. I ended up clinging onto someone that's love was so pure it blinded me. I destroyed him so many times but each and everytime he would stare at me with his eyes half open and tell me it was alright, he carried me, a lost soul. I made friends with those I thought I loved a great deal about but as the clock turned I found that they had other ideas about me and who I was, or rather who I should be. Those who have weathered the storm beside me have touched the pain that swells around me, those are the people that I will always call my friends. I never realized but these are the people that truely have been my rock.

The trully great news is that today in my revolations I have finally realized that the storm has past and that I truely am free, my soul has been relite, I am no longer an empty vessel but a a human being capable of life!!
Sunday, October 10, 2004
07:08 p.m.

So many closed chapters & The Road to Freedom
I have said many times before that life is like a book that only those that are really close to you are allowed to read. well i had some help with that one from Virginia Wolfe but regardless. There is a time in everyone's life where we find ourselves at various cross road. Places where we must leave behind those who have made great contributions to our lives but need to remain a part of the past for us to progress to the future. I think back on the many people i have left behind, some I regret but for the majority I wonder why they were a part of my life in the first place. We must all learn our lessons from those that we love but, letting go you realize the impact that person had. Don't get me wrong as much as people say parting is such sweet sorrow this isn't one of those moments, parting is bitter sweet. You know you must move on, and you do but a part of you is contained in those left behind.

I started school with a bit of turbulance but things have evened out. I have a roomate that totally gets me, has my bad habit of staying up far to late and is an amazing conversationalist. I've made friends with a few people around campus, nothing like the friends I thought I had left in Septemeber but, people I can handle. The biggest learning lesson came from a little voice in Woodstock it asked in it's always blunt tone "Stacey when did you get so boring" with that the wheel began to roll, I realized that hey I'm not that boring I just happen to be boring with them. I feel boring in Stratford, yet when in this sleepy little town is when I was most fun. I would drink my Tequilla and once upon a time my black russian's, but times changed, my friends changed and consequencly I found they changed me by their snide remarks on how I behaved in public and the way words flowed from my lips blunt as steel. They tried to make me a wallflower, I would drink and then be expected to mind my behaviour. Why get drunk if not to surrender control to your choice of poisions. So I'm taking back my life and for the first time in a long time I feel really really good, I feel Free. A feeling I've forgotten for far to long.

Don't get me wrong sometimes it was fun, but it's time to move forward, into a new part of my book
Friday, October 8, 2004
05:29 p.m.